I’ve been trying to find ways to simplify my life for a few years now and the holidays are no exception. Sometimes the craziness of it really gets to me. I recently picked up Unplug the Christmas Machine: How To Have The Christmas You’ve Always Wanted for $1.50 in a local used book store. Here’s an interview with the authors. You can buy used copies of the book through amazon by clicking the image below.
What’s the first step parents should take to simplify the holidays?
Jo: Decide what’s important to you. We’ve done hundreds of workshops, and it’s remarkable how the same scenario happens over and over again. We ask people to close their eyes and imagine a Christmas that would give them great pleasure. When they open their eyes, there is a profound silence. Everyone shares what they imagined, and it’s so similar from person to person: to be with your family, to be with your children, in a joyful way. To have no stress. To carry out the traditions that have meaning to you and your family. To connect to something that’s bigger than yourself. Oh, and of course, there’s snow! There’s a fire in the fireplace.
Jean: What’s most striking is that, in the fantasy, gifts would not be in the celebration! Or if there were gifts, they would be simple, lovingly chosen, or handmade. Nobody fantasized about going to the mall.
Okay, we know what people want, but that’s not what they actually get, is it? Gifts may be a low priority in the fantasy, but if you’ve got kids, it seems like Christmas can become solely about gifts. How can parents change this emphasis?
Jo: One year, Jean and I counted up the amount of money you’d spend to buy all the gifts advertised in one hour of Saturday-morning cartoons. It was more than $400 dollars’ worth of goods — paraded in front of a child with all the seductiveness that Madison Avenue can muster. So the first thing we advise is, with little kids, show them what a commercial is. It’s hard to decipher sometimes when the toy advertised is the same character they just saw in the show. Watch with them and have them cry out “commercial!” every time one comes on. With older kids, talk through what the messages are all about, and how advertisers want you to think all your happiness is tied up in having that toy, but that lots of toys aren’t as great as they say. What you’re trying to do is channel all that excitement about Christmas gifts toward excitement about the rest of Christmas, like holiday activities and traditions.
That sounds good. But do kids really care as much about activities and traditions as their Christmas-gift list?
Jean: I think parents are afraid they aren’t going to do right by their kids. They want their kids to have happy memories, to be delighted and thrilled. Parents need to be reassured that they can provide this for their children in all sorts of ways, not just with gifts. You’d be surprised how simple a kid’s idea of tradition is. One of the moms we spoke to asked her four-year-old what he remembered most about the previous Christmas. “The Santa on a string,” he said. She had no idea what he was talking about until she realized there was a simple Santa ornament that had hung on the tree last year, at her son’s eye level. That ornament meant nothing to her, but to him, it meant Christmas.
Are you saying that traditions can actually substitute for gifts? Or that, by adding activities and traditions, parents can cut down on the gifts?
Jean: I think a lot of parents who want to simplify Christmas go about it the wrong way. They try to take away the gifts, the commercialism, without making sure they have already put in place those things that are important. You don’t want a feeling of absence, but a feeling of shifting the emphasis.
Jo: Also, remember that gift obsession is just a phase in a child’s life, especially kids ages eight to 12, especially in boys. Accept that this is your kid at this point in time, living in a commercialized world. You’re not to blame, he’s not to blame. Sit down with him and say, “I see you’ve made this long list of things you’d like. In our family, we only give X number of presents, so let’s figure out which ones you really want.” Then, in the coming years, gradually cut down on the gifts as you build up the activities and traditions.
How do you make that shift toward more activities and traditions?
Jo: One of the best ways is to make a Christmas calendar. As a family, write down the commitments you have already. Then see where the voids are and decide if and how you’d like to fill those voids. Everyone should have a say. You may plan days to do nothing. Reframe things you view as chores — like picking out a tree — and turn them into traditions. How? Allow time for the activity. Don’t just make it one of several tasks to check off your list. Do the activity with spirit and have a good time. In my family, we’ve turned getting a wreath into a tradition. We set aside an afternoon, go into the woods and gather boughs, and enjoy being outdoors with each other, in the moment.
Jean: One family we spoke with decides what they’d all like to do in December. They choose a date to pick a tree and draw a picture of a tree on the space in the calendar, or draw an airplane on the day when the grandparents will arrive. Another family designates each day as something special: from Kids Choose the Menu Day to Hear a Story as Many Times as You Want Day.
Although the calendar is meant to help avoid overscheduling and missing out on what they really want from the season, it leads to a discussion about moms going overboard. Let me quote from your book: “Busy women feel pressured to put on a year-end extravaganza and are given the hidden message that their families’ happiness depends on their nonstop performance.” What’s the source of all that pressure?
Jean: It’s partly because today’s women were often raised by mothers who didn’t work outside the home, and so the domestic arts were important to their identity. Women carry this legacy that the family celebration rests on their shoulders. And, of course, the media puts pressure on women too. I mean, look at the holiday issues of most women’s magazines, full of crafts and foods and decorating, all promising us the magical Christmas we can give our families if only we work hard enough. One of the moms we mention in the book said she used to feel like a bad mother unless she made something from the magazines every Christmas.
But if you go to this extraordinary effort, what kind of mom and wife does your family get at Christmas? They get someone who’s distracted and pressured. Think about that from a child’s point of view. Now, women may go overboard, you say in your book, but men often do much less. What’s that about?
Jean: What we found out in our workshops was this: Women assume the way to make Christmas better for their husbands is not to ask them too much, not to involve them too much. That has the effect of making men feel alienated. Because they have no stake in Christmas, they have no enthusiasm for it.
Jo: There’s resentment on both sides. The men are saying, “This is not my Christmas” and “My wife is out of control.” The women were saying, “How come you aren’t helping with my Christmas? And how come you don’t have any Christmas spirit?”
Jean: One of the most dramatic moments in the workshop is when we ask women, “Do you know what traditions are important to your husband?” We ask, for example, if they know if in his boyhood he opened his gifts on Christmas morning or Christmas Eve. Everyone sheepishly looks at each other. All of a sudden, most women realize they don’t know anything about how their husband celebrated Christmas as a child, or what’s important to him about the holiday.
So how do you create family holiday traditions that take into account what everyone wants?
Jean: You ask! We’ve mentioned finding out about your husband’s childhood traditions. Ask your kids what they remember most about Christmas or Hanukkah in years past. It may surprise you. Often it’s something small.
Jo: For instance, I bet my mother never knew that one of the most important things to me as a kid was that we had a fruitcake recipe from a neighbor, and Mom would let me and my little sister cook this all by ourselves. We’d always do this in an aluminum pan, mush everything, and eat the gumdrops. Well, my mom died not too long ago, and when we requested things from the estate, my sister requested the aluminum dish, and I requested the recipe box. Who would have thought one of the most indelible memories would have been cooking a fruitcake? My sister and I still get together and bake that cake — even though we don’t really like it!
And we can’t overlook how financially stretched many parents feel at this time of year. How do you address this?
Jo: Parents need to come up with a family plan and decide what gets priority. Is it decorating the house? Having parties? Buying gifts? Problems arise when there’s no communication, when you haven’t agreed on something that represents both of you. Plus, people forget the incidental costs. When you make a budget, remember wrapping paper and the fact that you want to steam-clean the carpet before relatives arrive. Be comprehensive and figure out what areas you feel comfortable cutting back on.
Jean: I remember one woman in our workshop who confessed that she took to hiding the Visa bill in January and February and only told her husband about it in March or April, when she could no longer put off the inevitable. There are also women who say their husbands have no idea what it costs to entertain. “He wonders why our grocery bill was so high in December, but we [hosted] three family dinners,” said one. If you don’t share your memories and do some planning based on your values, then the commercial celebration will come in and fill the void. And the commercial celebration has the ulterior motive of getting you to spend.
What’s your closing advice for getting one’s family excited about holiday traditions and preparation?
Jo: Involve the kids, because that’s what they really want, and it’s these times and not the gifts that will stick in their minds. What works best, it seems, is to point them toward what they naturally gravitate to. Don’t force them to do what they don’t like. More kids like helping with baking more than shopping, for instance. Also, relax your standards. If you decide to make baking cookies a tradition, for instance, know that the kids will mess up the kitchen and get flour all over themselves, and that’s okay. If you must do Martha Stewart stuff and make it picture-perfect, do it late at night, by yourself!
Jean: It’s not so much what you do, but more that these are special things you don’t do the rest of the year. The point is that they happen at a comfortable rhythm that a child can look forward to, and that you as parents bring your whole selves to it because you aren’t distracted by being overburdened and spending too much money.
Jo: One tradition that felt right in my own family was to take donations to the Salvation Army. My son saw firsthand that charity was something we did at Christmastime. It was palpable. He helped bring the bags in, which makes a much bigger impact than watching us write a check and stuff it in an envelope.
Jean: I’m going to tell you a secret about our book. Yes, we’re talking about Christmas and how to make it feel right for your family. But what we are really talking about is: Who are you? What are your values? Talking about Christmas is an entree to talking about all these profound issues. Our approach gives people a way to wrestle with these issues and hopefully come to terms with them.
by Lindsay, on November 13 2008 @ 6:31 pm
Hi Joanne,
I noticed your blog post on simple holidays and thought the following information might be interesting to you and your readers – especially with money being tight this year – on how to host a holiday party for 20 guests for under $100.
I work with BJ’s Wholesale Club and they offer a variety of ways to fit holiday entertaining into a limited budget without sacrificing quality. In fact, members can save money – more than 30 percent over supermarket prices – on food and save even more using manufacturer’s coupons…and BJ’s is the only warehouse club to accept manufacturer’s coupons. For a free shopping pass, you can go to http://www.bjs.com/join/one_day_pass.shtml
With so many people on limited budgets, now is the time to think informal with gourmet appetizers that are short on prep time and long on taste. For a holiday party for 20 people, 10-12 pieces per guest will be plenty to keep them and your pockets filled. This menu is so simple and inexpensive that even inexperienced cooks can pull it off. All the host has to do is bake the pre-made appetizers in the oven and transfer these easy-to-prepare foods onto holiday serving dishes and voila – guests will think the entire day was spent in the kitchen preparing.
For more information, please feel free to email me or give me a call at 561-998-1995.
Best,
Jackie Guzman
Senior Account Executive
Tilson Communications
jguzman@tilsonpr.com
(561) 998-1995